A friend sent this conversation to me and it really hit home. It fits me and many that I know, he said it was okay to share it so here it is:
In a conversation about depression and self-fulfilling prophecies and
labeling theory)
I like to take the idea a little further, in saying it’s not so much that we
become a label, I think it’s just that we all have every attribute within us,
we are simultaneously smart and stupid, brave and cowards, clumsy and graceful
– it’s all within us, and without great force of will peoples words focus our
mind on one part of who we are, we focus on that part of ourselves, and the
next time we do something that fits with the negative words or labels directed
at us (which we would have done anyway as part of the normal human experience.)
we take that as confirmation that we are more clumsy than graceful, cowardly
than brave, evil than good etc.
But then I think the same thing happens on the positive side too. But I
think it is so much easier to happen on the positive side, because people for
the most part end up with more positive experiences to highlight and re-enforce
the good within us. So it’s easier to show people the good in themselves than
it is to “create” a bad person. Problem is, so few people praise, and so many
cut down. You kind of became a victim of
that labeling yourself. Not due to who you are, but due to who the labeler
either wanted you to be, or more often because he was too stupid to foster the
good in you. The labels may be so deep seeded that you don't even remember who
put them there; those are the hardest ones to shake.
This is kind of who I am at this point for you. You can’t see all the
positives in yourself, you don’t see the divine spark, your poise, grace,
beauty, courage, you have been trained to see your negatives, so I will sit
here on the sidelines, and tell you stories pointing to the good. You can’t see your divine spark right now,
but I can, so I am left pointing – letting you see me seeing it, so that you
know it’s still there. I’ll be like a good sports radio announcer, the one that
makes you see the field and the players, the one that paints the picture so
well you can see the players striving, reaching, smell the grass and see the
chalk fly as feet kick it up. -- If you can’t see YOU yet, that’s fine, (it’s
expected after such a long time being convinced not to.)
Let me give you the play by play for a little while, see the spark, the
inherent goodness, striving to come out, self-confidence comes with self-realization,
once you realize who you are, when you realize what makes your life good, once
you remember who you are, when you don’t have anything to prove to anyone but
yourself. I'll show you, until you have
that grand force of will that will allow someone to tell you that you are an
idiot, and know that you are not, the confidence to know when someone doesn’t
see grace embodied in you, that it's their problem, so you can walk on with a
smile. Self-confidence will be back. Maybe at that time we can come back to the
idea of labeling, and teach you some of the greater ideals of love, so that not
only can you radiate it, but you will know when people are faking it, and stay
away from them.
The old preacher in me doesn’t like to stop at just you, once you get to a
point where you LOVE yourself, loving others is natural. It’s such a cliche-overused
phrase that most people don’t get it. But one has to walk with a lot of self-confidence
and self-love (not vanity, just love) to consistently do your best to make
things better: not because it’s hard to do good, but because it’s hard not to
crawl back into self-doubt when your efforts fail.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Big Changes
Once again a lot has happened since my last post. Of course a lot of time has passed as well. My life has turned the corner and amazing things are happening to me.
First of all I changed my major as I mentioned in my last post. I am going into Social Work for my bachelors degree and when I am done with that would like to practice as a licensed addictions counselor as I go to grad school. I am still going in to Public Policy Administration/Criminal Justice for my PHD just using a different bachelors to get there. I think in Social Work I have really come home, found my niche so to speak. I am happy with me course of action here and know that this is where I not only need to be but want to be also.
Now for the most amazing news of all. I am getting married in December. Justin is amazing. He brought love back into my dry lonely life. I don't even know all the words to begin to describe him. He healed the wounds in my heart and soul and continues to do so. He has renewed my faith in relationships. I am just so very happy to have him in my life. :)
My engagement ring...he proposed on May 10, 2012. We still haven't decided on the wedding band yet but have narrowed it down to 2 choices they are below.
I never thought it was possible to be this happy and content with my life. But I guess I was wrong.
First of all I changed my major as I mentioned in my last post. I am going into Social Work for my bachelors degree and when I am done with that would like to practice as a licensed addictions counselor as I go to grad school. I am still going in to Public Policy Administration/Criminal Justice for my PHD just using a different bachelors to get there. I think in Social Work I have really come home, found my niche so to speak. I am happy with me course of action here and know that this is where I not only need to be but want to be also.
Now for the most amazing news of all. I am getting married in December. Justin is amazing. He brought love back into my dry lonely life. I don't even know all the words to begin to describe him. He healed the wounds in my heart and soul and continues to do so. He has renewed my faith in relationships. I am just so very happy to have him in my life. :)
Monday, February 13, 2012
Update
Wow so much has happened since my last post. Catch up time. I have moved out of the dorms into a cute little studio apartment. Still close to campus, but away from the institutionalization. I am through my first semester and did just fine. Still don't do alone well, but have made some amazing friends that do help.
I started going back to AA and NA in August, and started doing a lot of volunteer hours at the Alano club. It has been good for me and for the club as well it seems. In January I was voted in as House Committee Co-chair. I am operations manager and my co-chair is the volunteer coordinator.
I still have my ups and downs sometimes managing well sometimes not so well but I am moving on. But all in all life is good. I have changed my mind about my major but will go into that in it's own post.
It has been a wild ride but one I wouldn't have missed for all the money in the world.
I started going back to AA and NA in August, and started doing a lot of volunteer hours at the Alano club. It has been good for me and for the club as well it seems. In January I was voted in as House Committee Co-chair. I am operations manager and my co-chair is the volunteer coordinator.
I still have my ups and downs sometimes managing well sometimes not so well but I am moving on. But all in all life is good. I have changed my mind about my major but will go into that in it's own post.
It has been a wild ride but one I wouldn't have missed for all the money in the world.
Monday, July 11, 2011
One of those days
I have been having ups and downs adjusting to being alone. I am in the process of getting one of my dogs down here as a service dog. I was up in Kalispell for the last week with family and friends, and managed to get all her certifications and registration as a psychiatric service dog done so now I just need to finalize the paperwork down here at the University.
Sometimes life can be so frustrating. I know in my past I made huge colossal mistakes and now carry the label of a felon because of it. But what kills me is that because I carry that label EVERYTHING has to be 10 times harder to accomplish, to get to where I want to be I have to be better than everyone else that wants to do the same thing. I have to fight for every bit of ground I gain. Sometimes I get so goddamn tired of fighting all the time and just want to say eff it all and run, not walk away from it all. It is not that I want or expect life to be easy, but can't it just let up once in awhile? Does every little thing have to be a damn battle? GOD!!! I am so tired of it all right now. I so want to just give it all up and say screw everything and crawl in a hole and die. But I know if I do, some day some where there is going to be another person like me wanting to make a better life and will have all the same battles and bullshit to cope with all the time, so I have to keep going so that hopefully someday I will be in a position to change the stigma of being a felon.
Our criminal justice system needs to change, if not for me then for someone else in my shoes in the future. Yes I made a huge mistake, but is it really necessary to force me to pay for it for the rest of my damn life? If it is then life isn't really worth all that much in and of itself but only in how I can get past this to make changes so that someone elses life will have worth and value to society as a whole.
Sometimes life can be so frustrating. I know in my past I made huge colossal mistakes and now carry the label of a felon because of it. But what kills me is that because I carry that label EVERYTHING has to be 10 times harder to accomplish, to get to where I want to be I have to be better than everyone else that wants to do the same thing. I have to fight for every bit of ground I gain. Sometimes I get so goddamn tired of fighting all the time and just want to say eff it all and run, not walk away from it all. It is not that I want or expect life to be easy, but can't it just let up once in awhile? Does every little thing have to be a damn battle? GOD!!! I am so tired of it all right now. I so want to just give it all up and say screw everything and crawl in a hole and die. But I know if I do, some day some where there is going to be another person like me wanting to make a better life and will have all the same battles and bullshit to cope with all the time, so I have to keep going so that hopefully someday I will be in a position to change the stigma of being a felon.
Our criminal justice system needs to change, if not for me then for someone else in my shoes in the future. Yes I made a huge mistake, but is it really necessary to force me to pay for it for the rest of my damn life? If it is then life isn't really worth all that much in and of itself but only in how I can get past this to make changes so that someone elses life will have worth and value to society as a whole.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Better Days
Today is a better day than yesterday was. It helped to just say all that and get it out.
Today is a good day all in it's own. I landmark day for me. I discharge my prison sentence today. Which means I go from Parole to Probation. People that don't understand they system will think "whats the difference" The difference is HUGE. When on parole you still have actual prison time to serve, it means you were paroled out of prison before you served the amount of years you were sentenced to. It also means you can go back to prison because your parole officer says you should. Once you discharge the prison time you move to any suspended time of your sentence. Plus to be sent back to prison you now have to go before a judge and usually only for a serious violation of your terms. Since I have not violated since I got out of prison it has never been a worry for me but still it is a milestone to me that I am closer to being done with it all.
Until next time,.
Today is a good day all in it's own. I landmark day for me. I discharge my prison sentence today. Which means I go from Parole to Probation. People that don't understand they system will think "whats the difference" The difference is HUGE. When on parole you still have actual prison time to serve, it means you were paroled out of prison before you served the amount of years you were sentenced to. It also means you can go back to prison because your parole officer says you should. Once you discharge the prison time you move to any suspended time of your sentence. Plus to be sent back to prison you now have to go before a judge and usually only for a serious violation of your terms. Since I have not violated since I got out of prison it has never been a worry for me but still it is a milestone to me that I am closer to being done with it all.
Until next time,.
Monday, June 20, 2011
This Too Shall Pass
Sorry I have been a real slacker on keeping up with this.
I am going to start on a down note but promise I will try and end it well. I am finding I don’t take to dorm life very well. It has been really tough, especially the last few weeks. I have been here a month now and while school is going good, my personal life sucks ass. I found I HATE my dorm. It is such a flashback to being in prison again. Although at least with prison, I wasn’t stuck alone in deafening unbearable silence, I would rather have all the noise of prison, than the oppressive silence of the dorm. At least the slamming doors, and rattling of keys as the guards came through for the hourly bed checks was in a way a form of assurance that someone was there and gave a crap whether you were in your bed and alright in the middle of the damn night.
I am going to start on a down note but promise I will try and end it well. I am finding I don’t take to dorm life very well. It has been really tough, especially the last few weeks. I have been here a month now and while school is going good, my personal life sucks ass. I found I HATE my dorm. It is such a flashback to being in prison again. Although at least with prison, I wasn’t stuck alone in deafening unbearable silence, I would rather have all the noise of prison, than the oppressive silence of the dorm. At least the slamming doors, and rattling of keys as the guards came through for the hourly bed checks was in a way a form of assurance that someone was there and gave a crap whether you were in your bed and alright in the middle of the damn night.
While prison was an impersonal place, there were still people close at hand that cared, my roommate, never had an issue with me waking her up at night to talk and vice-versa. Of course out in the real world it is a totally different dynamic and when a person is lying awake at night overwhelmed with the strangling feeling of everything closing in on them, it is inappropriate to call someone in a panic and say I can't freaking take this any more. I have never been claustrophobic before and while I still am not that bad I can more identify with the feeling of how the space can close in on a person.
It is so lonely here, I still know very few people and the ones I have gotten to know are not the kind of people I choose to hang out with extensively. I think having no one close to do things with and just being shut up in here all the time only adds to the overall feeling of being in solitary confinement. Kind of makes it overwhelming at times. I am glad my friends that I contact regularly are there for me even though they are miles away because they do make it bearable.
Don’t get me wrong, the dorm is nice, it is much more modern than most dorms, has nice sheet rock walls rather than bricks and is actually quite pretty, but having been incarcerated for some 4 years, the whole thing shrieks to me of incarceration.
All the time people tell me how strong they think I am for doing what I am doing now...going back to school, living on my own, the whole 9 yards. I don't see it as strength. I see it as I have no goddamn choice. My life as I knew it is a total joke, in complete shambles and broken up into little pieces at my feet. Nobody is allowed to see the sheer terror at being alone, and wondering if it will be like that forever. No one is allowed to see the heart that has been shattered beyond repair, or the sometimes overwhelming sense of betrayal I still feel, and the contempt with myself not only for putting myself in that position in the first place, but for allowing it to continue. No one knows the regret I feel at being 49 years old and just finally getting around to doing the things I should have done when I was 18 or 19, or how I look at the new people I meet down here, and wonder why they like me, what do they want from me? How long will it be before even for them something or someone better comes along? No one knows the nights I cry because I really don't know what the hell happened, what went wrong? What could I have done to fix it? Then I get over it and once again look down at the pieces of my life and heart lying at my feet, and pick up a piece...is it my life or my heart? Then I try to put it back to where I think/hope it belongs. While on the outside I am not the emotional wreck I was 2 months ago, it is getting better, and at least on the outside now, I have it under rigid of control, so it doesn't show. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am simply doing the next right thing in my life. Every time I come to a decision that has to be made or a step I have to take I just figure out what is the right thing to do for where I want to end up, then I do it. So don't think I am brave and strong for doing this I am merely doing the only thing I can in this situation by putting myself back together and taking the next right step so that eventually I can come out on the other end of it whole. Maybe a bit or even a lot battered but whole.
Chrystine, or should I say Mags, I could not have gotten through these last two weeks without you. you have been there for me constantly. Without your emotional support and Mags swiping your credit cards occasionally I would not have made it. I love you both so much and you have no idea how grateful I am for all you have done.
All the time people tell me how strong they think I am for doing what I am doing now...going back to school, living on my own, the whole 9 yards. I don't see it as strength. I see it as I have no goddamn choice. My life as I knew it is a total joke, in complete shambles and broken up into little pieces at my feet. Nobody is allowed to see the sheer terror at being alone, and wondering if it will be like that forever. No one is allowed to see the heart that has been shattered beyond repair, or the sometimes overwhelming sense of betrayal I still feel, and the contempt with myself not only for putting myself in that position in the first place, but for allowing it to continue. No one knows the regret I feel at being 49 years old and just finally getting around to doing the things I should have done when I was 18 or 19, or how I look at the new people I meet down here, and wonder why they like me, what do they want from me? How long will it be before even for them something or someone better comes along? No one knows the nights I cry because I really don't know what the hell happened, what went wrong? What could I have done to fix it? Then I get over it and once again look down at the pieces of my life and heart lying at my feet, and pick up a piece...is it my life or my heart? Then I try to put it back to where I think/hope it belongs. While on the outside I am not the emotional wreck I was 2 months ago, it is getting better, and at least on the outside now, I have it under rigid of control, so it doesn't show. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am simply doing the next right thing in my life. Every time I come to a decision that has to be made or a step I have to take I just figure out what is the right thing to do for where I want to end up, then I do it. So don't think I am brave and strong for doing this I am merely doing the only thing I can in this situation by putting myself back together and taking the next right step so that eventually I can come out on the other end of it whole. Maybe a bit or even a lot battered but whole.
Chrystine, or should I say Mags, I could not have gotten through these last two weeks without you. you have been there for me constantly. Without your emotional support and Mags swiping your credit cards occasionally I would not have made it. I love you both so much and you have no idea how grateful I am for all you have done.
Okay, enough whining around. I said I would end on a good note and I will. Classes are going well. I have 4 for summer, 3 online and one face to face class, which ends this week. It is only a 5 week class while the online classes run the full 10 weeks of the summer session. Reaching the half way mark here. I am keeping my grades up. Had a bad test last week, but I had missed 2 classes out of 5 due to bronchitis (obviously this was my face to face class) so had missed 2 days of notes and didn’t do as well as I would have liked on it. I should end the class with a B though in spite of it.
Next week my Academic and Pre-Law Advisor will be back and I am going to go in and see him and try to get going on a couple different internships so I can at least stay busy.
I do like being down in Missoula, although it would be nice if spring or at this point summer ever got here. It is the 20 of June and we have had rain every day I have been here but 2. That makes it hard to get out and do anything. Although I do go out and walk along the river paths now. I enjoy doing that and it is good to get the exercise too. The river is higher than I have ever seen in and that includes all the time I lived down here as a kid.
I know when things get to me like they have been lately I just have to keep my eye on my future and it will all be good. Things may suck right now, but I know they will be better. I have some ideas on where I want to go from here (other than just the generality of being a prosecuting attorney somewhere or hopefully getting into the Federal Court System) and am working to make that happen.
Well until next time.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
MY BFF's
WISE woman once said...There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of LIFE, getting back up is LIVIN
It took me a lot of years to figure this one out, but I think I have it down now. The past couple of months have been pretty rough for me but now that I am down here in Missoula with a new start and a new life they are better and much smoother. But I truly have to acknowledge 5 people that I could not have made it through the last couple of months without.
Sandy Ice, Sarah Sandberg, Jami Manning and Chrystine Harvey (Webster), without them there to let me long distance cry on their shoulders and to encourage me when I was down and just to let me know they were there for me no matter what was HUGE to me. Sandy and Sarah, you both made me laugh while instant messaging when I felt like I would never be able to laugh again. I love you both. Sandy, we have been close since prison, I will never have anyone that understands where I came from more than you do. We have seen a lot together and I am sure we will see much more. I love you so much. Jami, and Chrystine...OMG I don't even know where to start. You two are amazing. You have both been with me for a couple years now through lots of ups and downs. When I lost Dex and didn't think I would make it through that you both got me through it. Then when I started school you have both been my cheerleaders. With the ending of my marriage, you two were always there. The fact that you both came to Kalispell for my graduation means more to me than I can even begin to express. I love you both so much. I am so blessed to have people like the four of you in my life. I have never before had such an amazing supportive group of people around me and I say thanks for it every day.
Alright, I know I said 5 people and I only mentioned 4. The 5th deserves recognition all on his own. He has been a Godsend for me. Before I left my ex I had talked to him about what was going on, and he was amazingly supportive. He would text me every night to be sure I was okay. He would text me several times over the weekends to be sure all was well and just to talk. When I finally left he provided me with somewhere to go, and his parents provided me with an amazing home for 2 months until I could come down here. He was with me at my worst and I know there were times that I put him through absolute hell and he stuck with me. Sometimes I am pretty sure he wished I was elsewhere but he was always there for me and always supportive and encouraging. He has seen me at my absolute worst and still willingly talks to me after it. That fact in and of itself counts for a hell of a lot in my book. I would have been truly lost without him and most likely not here to share these insights that I am sharing. Tim Bridwell, God love ya, I don't know where I would be right now without you. You have treated me with more respect and consideration than I have ever been shown in my life. You have been protective of me defensive of me, gentle with me when I needed it and really tough with me when I needed that, and you always encouraged me to keep going forward and to keep my head up, you still do. You had confidence in me when I had none, you made me (in spite of myself) see that I did have worth and value to others. That I was more than just a super-smart over-achiever that pulled people together and encouraged them to work at getting good grades too. I don't even know what more to say. You and your family will always have a very special place in my heart. I love you all, so much.
For all of the people I mentioned here there are not enough words made or invented to thank them for what they have been and done for me. Mere words will not sum up the feelings of gratitude and love I feel for all of them.
I want to end this with another really awesome quote that I found somewhere
Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Never again will I put up with someone who is reckless with my heart and heaven knows I will always guard and treasure my place in these peoples hearts.
It took me a lot of years to figure this one out, but I think I have it down now. The past couple of months have been pretty rough for me but now that I am down here in Missoula with a new start and a new life they are better and much smoother. But I truly have to acknowledge 5 people that I could not have made it through the last couple of months without.
Sandy Ice, Sarah Sandberg, Jami Manning and Chrystine Harvey (Webster), without them there to let me long distance cry on their shoulders and to encourage me when I was down and just to let me know they were there for me no matter what was HUGE to me. Sandy and Sarah, you both made me laugh while instant messaging when I felt like I would never be able to laugh again. I love you both. Sandy, we have been close since prison, I will never have anyone that understands where I came from more than you do. We have seen a lot together and I am sure we will see much more. I love you so much. Jami, and Chrystine...OMG I don't even know where to start. You two are amazing. You have both been with me for a couple years now through lots of ups and downs. When I lost Dex and didn't think I would make it through that you both got me through it. Then when I started school you have both been my cheerleaders. With the ending of my marriage, you two were always there. The fact that you both came to Kalispell for my graduation means more to me than I can even begin to express. I love you both so much. I am so blessed to have people like the four of you in my life. I have never before had such an amazing supportive group of people around me and I say thanks for it every day.
Alright, I know I said 5 people and I only mentioned 4. The 5th deserves recognition all on his own. He has been a Godsend for me. Before I left my ex I had talked to him about what was going on, and he was amazingly supportive. He would text me every night to be sure I was okay. He would text me several times over the weekends to be sure all was well and just to talk. When I finally left he provided me with somewhere to go, and his parents provided me with an amazing home for 2 months until I could come down here. He was with me at my worst and I know there were times that I put him through absolute hell and he stuck with me. Sometimes I am pretty sure he wished I was elsewhere but he was always there for me and always supportive and encouraging. He has seen me at my absolute worst and still willingly talks to me after it. That fact in and of itself counts for a hell of a lot in my book. I would have been truly lost without him and most likely not here to share these insights that I am sharing. Tim Bridwell, God love ya, I don't know where I would be right now without you. You have treated me with more respect and consideration than I have ever been shown in my life. You have been protective of me defensive of me, gentle with me when I needed it and really tough with me when I needed that, and you always encouraged me to keep going forward and to keep my head up, you still do. You had confidence in me when I had none, you made me (in spite of myself) see that I did have worth and value to others. That I was more than just a super-smart over-achiever that pulled people together and encouraged them to work at getting good grades too. I don't even know what more to say. You and your family will always have a very special place in my heart. I love you all, so much.
For all of the people I mentioned here there are not enough words made or invented to thank them for what they have been and done for me. Mere words will not sum up the feelings of gratitude and love I feel for all of them.
I want to end this with another really awesome quote that I found somewhere
Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Never again will I put up with someone who is reckless with my heart and heaven knows I will always guard and treasure my place in these peoples hearts.
Monday, May 30, 2011
History part 2
Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option...
A friend posted that on Facebook today and it inspired me on where I wanted to go with the second installment in my history....RELATIONSHIPS
Rather than go in to each marriage individually lets just say that from the time I was 18 I was either married or in a relationship for all but 15 months and even during that time I was living with someone or seeing someone. My first marriage lasted from Oct. 18, 1980 until Oct 16, 1989. By December of 1989 I was involved with my second husband, we got married Oct. 31, 1990 and divorced on Oct. 29, 1994, are you starting to see a pattern here? Oct. is not a good month relationship-wise for me. By April of 1995 I was involved and living with number 3. We got married Nov. 25, 1995 (note, we tried to avoid the curse of October marriages) and lasted until April 20, 2011.
The funny thing is that I always made my husband/boyfriend/partner my priority and every freaking time I was just an option. For the first it seemed like everything but me was a priority. Not that is was all bad by any stretch of the imagination. In all my marriages we had lots of good times but there came a time when the bad very much outweighed the good. To be honest my first husband was probably the best of the lot, as far as being responsible and providing for the family. On the husband front...not so much. Maybe I needed more than he could give? I don't really know.
Husband number two was a joke (remember what I said about dysfunction drawing dysfunction?), he was a joke as a a husband, a partner, and as a human being in fact. He was an abusive drunk that did more damage to my life than anyone but myself. Husband number two is doing federal time now. In spite of all that I still made him my priority in life and compromised and/or gave up many things that were important to me to keep him happy. His priorities were screwing around with anything that would have him, drinking and kicking my ass. Took me 5 years to figure it out (ok I confess when I make something a priority I don't like to give up on it).
I thought husband number 3 would be a keeper, but looking back I can see the same pattern, giving up what mattered to me and making him a priority. He was good to me for the first 10 years. We had many great times though, in fact now that we are no together we get along great and can be friends. But after getting arrested for meth and both of us coming home after prison there was a different dynamic. While I was in jail before sentencing he was out and discovered Internet porn and skanky women on the Internet that would do just about anything in front of a web cam. He also got out of prison and was home for over 6 months before I got out and got home. Same story, he would send naked pictures of himself to other women and establish web cam sexual relationships with them. I again became a disposable option. After 6 years of repeatedly catching him doing that I had to do something because the arguments and fights and so on did not make a bit of difference he kept doing it. Leaving him was harder because of being on parole, but I did it anyway and my parole officer was cool with it and life went on.
So to sum this part all up. I am tired of being an option, for now school and my plans for the future are my priority. I know that even if as far as relationships go I am an option until something better comes along that as far as drive ambition and accomplishing goals I excel and can do and become whatever I set my mind to do.
And that is where I am at today. For the next installment I am going to talk about some people that have more or less held my hand through my last divorce and huge life-changes. I love them all and without them I don't think I could have survived it.
A friend posted that on Facebook today and it inspired me on where I wanted to go with the second installment in my history....RELATIONSHIPS
Rather than go in to each marriage individually lets just say that from the time I was 18 I was either married or in a relationship for all but 15 months and even during that time I was living with someone or seeing someone. My first marriage lasted from Oct. 18, 1980 until Oct 16, 1989. By December of 1989 I was involved with my second husband, we got married Oct. 31, 1990 and divorced on Oct. 29, 1994, are you starting to see a pattern here? Oct. is not a good month relationship-wise for me. By April of 1995 I was involved and living with number 3. We got married Nov. 25, 1995 (note, we tried to avoid the curse of October marriages) and lasted until April 20, 2011.
The funny thing is that I always made my husband/boyfriend/partner my priority and every freaking time I was just an option. For the first it seemed like everything but me was a priority. Not that is was all bad by any stretch of the imagination. In all my marriages we had lots of good times but there came a time when the bad very much outweighed the good. To be honest my first husband was probably the best of the lot, as far as being responsible and providing for the family. On the husband front...not so much. Maybe I needed more than he could give? I don't really know.
Husband number two was a joke (remember what I said about dysfunction drawing dysfunction?), he was a joke as a a husband, a partner, and as a human being in fact. He was an abusive drunk that did more damage to my life than anyone but myself. Husband number two is doing federal time now. In spite of all that I still made him my priority in life and compromised and/or gave up many things that were important to me to keep him happy. His priorities were screwing around with anything that would have him, drinking and kicking my ass. Took me 5 years to figure it out (ok I confess when I make something a priority I don't like to give up on it).
I thought husband number 3 would be a keeper, but looking back I can see the same pattern, giving up what mattered to me and making him a priority. He was good to me for the first 10 years. We had many great times though, in fact now that we are no together we get along great and can be friends. But after getting arrested for meth and both of us coming home after prison there was a different dynamic. While I was in jail before sentencing he was out and discovered Internet porn and skanky women on the Internet that would do just about anything in front of a web cam. He also got out of prison and was home for over 6 months before I got out and got home. Same story, he would send naked pictures of himself to other women and establish web cam sexual relationships with them. I again became a disposable option. After 6 years of repeatedly catching him doing that I had to do something because the arguments and fights and so on did not make a bit of difference he kept doing it. Leaving him was harder because of being on parole, but I did it anyway and my parole officer was cool with it and life went on.
So to sum this part all up. I am tired of being an option, for now school and my plans for the future are my priority. I know that even if as far as relationships go I am an option until something better comes along that as far as drive ambition and accomplishing goals I excel and can do and become whatever I set my mind to do.
And that is where I am at today. For the next installment I am going to talk about some people that have more or less held my hand through my last divorce and huge life-changes. I love them all and without them I don't think I could have survived it.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
History part 1
So, everyone knows where I'm at maybe it's time for how I got here. I will break this down into installments because there is a lot of history to cover and I wouldn't want to overwhelm anyone. ;)
Lets start with addiction, that in and of itself is a long history. I had used drugs for the majority of my life on and off and found that unlike the majority of people I hung out with. Marijuana sucked. I preferred things that kept me awake, made my mind work fast and gave me endless energy. Well that turned in to a serious problem for me especially after I divorced my second husband. I have to say that it starts very insidiously though. At first it was just once in awhile, then I got reacquainted with my third husband and of course got married, he had his own addiction issues long before he met me. Note the lesson here dysfunction draws dysfunction. Anyhow I digress, he had lots of contacts that were into crank (that is what meth was called back in the day). So we got married in November of 95 and by early 98 we were doing meth every day. This escalated continually, we had several friends that made it, in fact we had one friend that while not addicted to meth was addicted to making the perfect meth. He needed Guinea pigs to test it for him. We happily volunteered. When he finally got arrested for manufacturing it was then called methamphetamine and his tested 99.9% pure. That was unheard of. After he was gone we fell in with some others that manufactured it. Not nearly as well as R. but it was ok. We learned how to manufacture it ourselves. Then once a week or so a group of us would get together and make a bunch (no it isn't made in a a bathtub, contrary to popular belief) then divide it among us. So we finally got caught for that and off to prison for 4 years I went.
Prison was the best thing in my life up til that point to happen to me. I had time to reflect on how messed up my life really was and the devastation I had wreaked on everyone I cared about, especially my children. There are still times the guilt of what I put my kids through really eats me up. Once I was there I was determined to come out of prison a better person than I was when I went in. I took every conceivable rehabilitation class I could and some that had nothing to do with rehab but helped to make me a better person overall.
Of particular note of the classes in prison is a series called CP&R which stands for Cognitive Principles and Restructuring. OMG!!!!! What a tough class. There are 3 levels and it takes guts to even enroll for level 2 let alone go on to 3 because the levels of self examination are extremely intense. I found I did not like the person I was one little bit. But the good thing is every level also teaches you to restructure your thinking and behavior patterns. You come out of it much wiser and with an immense amount of self control and restraint. You basically learn to be an actor in life and make things happen rather than a reactor that simply reacts to the things that happen around them, and usually in a wrong way.
Also while I prison because of my exemplary behavior and how hard I was working at true rehabilitation I was selected to take part in a Service Dog Training Program that was instituted my second year there. I will go into much more on that in another post as this one is getting hella long.
Until next post.
Lets start with addiction, that in and of itself is a long history. I had used drugs for the majority of my life on and off and found that unlike the majority of people I hung out with. Marijuana sucked. I preferred things that kept me awake, made my mind work fast and gave me endless energy. Well that turned in to a serious problem for me especially after I divorced my second husband. I have to say that it starts very insidiously though. At first it was just once in awhile, then I got reacquainted with my third husband and of course got married, he had his own addiction issues long before he met me. Note the lesson here dysfunction draws dysfunction. Anyhow I digress, he had lots of contacts that were into crank (that is what meth was called back in the day). So we got married in November of 95 and by early 98 we were doing meth every day. This escalated continually, we had several friends that made it, in fact we had one friend that while not addicted to meth was addicted to making the perfect meth. He needed Guinea pigs to test it for him. We happily volunteered. When he finally got arrested for manufacturing it was then called methamphetamine and his tested 99.9% pure. That was unheard of. After he was gone we fell in with some others that manufactured it. Not nearly as well as R. but it was ok. We learned how to manufacture it ourselves. Then once a week or so a group of us would get together and make a bunch (no it isn't made in a a bathtub, contrary to popular belief) then divide it among us. So we finally got caught for that and off to prison for 4 years I went.
Prison was the best thing in my life up til that point to happen to me. I had time to reflect on how messed up my life really was and the devastation I had wreaked on everyone I cared about, especially my children. There are still times the guilt of what I put my kids through really eats me up. Once I was there I was determined to come out of prison a better person than I was when I went in. I took every conceivable rehabilitation class I could and some that had nothing to do with rehab but helped to make me a better person overall.
Of particular note of the classes in prison is a series called CP&R which stands for Cognitive Principles and Restructuring. OMG!!!!! What a tough class. There are 3 levels and it takes guts to even enroll for level 2 let alone go on to 3 because the levels of self examination are extremely intense. I found I did not like the person I was one little bit. But the good thing is every level also teaches you to restructure your thinking and behavior patterns. You come out of it much wiser and with an immense amount of self control and restraint. You basically learn to be an actor in life and make things happen rather than a reactor that simply reacts to the things that happen around them, and usually in a wrong way.
Also while I prison because of my exemplary behavior and how hard I was working at true rehabilitation I was selected to take part in a Service Dog Training Program that was instituted my second year there. I will go into much more on that in another post as this one is getting hella long.
Until next post.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Amazing Revelation
I went up to the cemetery to put some flowers on my grandparents grave today and on the way home my mind was processing information (I do my best thinking while driving) and I realized that all my fears of leaving Kalispell and moving down to Missoula where I would be (God Forbid) ALONE were totally unfounded. Yes I get lonely, but upon thinking about it the situation is no different than the last six months with my ex. I spent all my home time in my room working on homework or visiting with friends on the internet, when I got lonely there, I dealt with it or Instant Messaged a friend or Skyped a friend. NO different now that I am down here. I spend all my time alone in my room doing homework or on the internet with friends. At least here I am happy, and spend the time in my room because I choose to. Up there I spent the time in my room to avoid negativity and having to look at a person that I had loved enough to marry at one point and had loved me enough to marry me that now chose to pursue other women, because suddenly I was no longer good enough for him.
Go figure!
Go figure!
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